Who should carry home Oscars, according to Matt

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By Matt Mungle
Photo: ABC

Photo: ABC

Over the next few weeks leading up to the Oscars I will break down each category and let you know precisely who should win and why. There is an exact science to my methods, so I do not suggest you try and figure out how my mind works; just go with it.

Best supporting actor :
Barkhad Abdi — “Captain Phillips”
Should not win. True he never has acted in a film before, and his ability to look Somalian was amazing. That said, he is Somalian. Maybe we should nominate Jennifer Anniston on her ability to transfer herself into an American Stripper who is pretending to be a wife and mother. (We are the Millers.) I wish Abdi luck in the future and to quote his character, “No problem “Irish”, everything gonna be OK.”

Bradley Cooper — “American Hustle”
Should not win. I had a perm in the 70′s. No one gave me an award.

Jonah Hill — “The Wolf of Wall Street”
Should not win. We are not ready to forgive you for helping write 21 Jump Street. Moneyball was different, we were distracted by Brad Pitt’s face.

Michael Fassbender — “12 Years a Slave”
Should not win. It pains me to say that. I am a fan of Michael Fassbender, and if not for Mr. Leto, he would get my pick. But it was such a hard role to watch. He was too good at being hated. People aren’t ready for that. We are comfortable watching guys dress up in women’s clothes, but not slave owners. Maybe he should have worn a dress-a long one.

Jared Leto — “Dallas Buyers Club”
Should win. In a nutshell, he is prettier as a guy than as a guy dressing up as a woman. That takes talent. Plus he is in a rock band. You can’t dress like that and be in a rock band. Oh wait, never mind. I still think he should win.
Best supporting actress
Jennifer Lawrence — “American Hustle”
Should not win. She has had better performances. She is the hot commodity right now as we all love to love her. But this is too tough a category this year. She won best actress last year against a little kid, an old woman, and Naomi Watts laying on a stretcher the whole film.

Lupita Nyong’o — “12 Years a Slave” 
Should win. This would force every entertainment reporter to say her name and get it right. Plus she makes good corn husk dolls.

June Squibb — “Nebraska”
Should not win. She reminded me too much of my real family. If they gave an award for having the most fun with well written one-liners she would be a shoe in. Certainly worth a watch but not an award.

Julia Roberts — “August: Osage County”
Should not (bleep) win. Yes she went toe to (bleep) toe with Meryl Strep and won. Yes this is the first (bleep) time she has cursed this (bleep) much since Erin (bleep) Brockovich. And yes we all love to hear her laugh during her (bleep) acceptance speeches. But sadly August isn’t Oscar County. (bleep).

Sally Hawkins — “Blue Jasmine”
Should not win. Because no one watching the Oscars actually saw this movie.
Next week we take a look at the directors! Your homework before then is to learn that Steve McQueen is not that Steve McQueen.